


my heart is near

by emilia_kaisa



Series: it's okay (I know someday I'm gonna be with you) [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad, let's go cry in a corner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 08:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14209074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Sometimes Javier wondered why it was so hard to love him.





	my heart is near

**Author's Note:**

> It's pain and suffering time! This fic is basically 'my heart is blue', but from Javi's pov. (It was even more painful to write, I cried real tears, why am I doing this to myself.)  
> Quick reminder that English is not my first language and that this is very fictional fiction!  
> Title, again, from Tom Rosenthal's 'It's okay' (I recommend listening to it if you want to cry more).

 

It all started a few weeks after Shanghai. Or rather that was when Javier realized that something was different. That he couldn’t quite get Yuzuru out of his head. Couldn’t stop watching him.

He didn’t know what changed. But there was something new, he could sense it in the air between them, he could feel it right under his skin, so close and yet so hard to grasp.

 _It’s nothing_ he told himself when his eyes met Yuzuru’s and his heart fluttered in his chest.

Sometimes he got a feeling that Yuzuru also was looking at him differently. Javier tried to hold his gaze, to see what the other was thinking, but the Japanese was always so quick to turn away, as if he was scared of something.

It stang a bit more than it should.

 

Javier loved his girlfriend. He could imagine his life with her, if she only would be patient enough to stick with him.

But he couldn’t deny that there was something between him and Yuzuru, something unspoken, that was now making its way to the surface. He just hadn’t seen that earlier.

He didn’t know what to do with that.

 

* * *

 

 

They were close, in that specific, fragile way that was so _them._

Yuzuru seemed to lose focus these days, his movements nervous and fumbling, and Javier couldn’t help but reach for him, fingers brushing his temple.

‘You okay?’

There was a flicker in Yuzuru’s eyes, something deep and sparkling, but it was gone in a heartbeat, before Javier had a chance to read into it.

‘New season. Wanna do better.’

It was so like him, so natural, Javier couldn’t help but smile.

‘Of course you do.’

His heart was begging him to move his hand lower, to rest on Yuzuru’s cheek, to brush his finger against his lips. And there was something in Yuzuru’s expression that made him think that he wouldn’t pull back.

Javier let his hand drop to his side.

 

 _I shouldn’t think about him so much_ he told himself as he watched Yuzuru skate on the other side of the rink.

 _He’s just a boy_ he thought when Yuzuru laughed carelessly at one of his poor jokes, the sound bright and heartwarming.

 _I don’t want him_ he whispered to himself, but a moment later his heart skipped a beat when the Japanese looked at him with those dark eyes, his gaze unreadable.

_Please, I can’t._

 

His girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks before Christmas, snow falling quietly outside his window.

‘I’m sorry, I really am.’ she said tiredly ‘But we’re drifted apart, and I just-‘

‘It’s okay.’ he said simply, with a smile. He didn’t blame her, he could never.

He had been through it so many times already, there was something awfully familiar in those words, in that painful squeeze of his heart.

Sometimes Javier wondered why it was so hard to love him.

 

* * *

 

He stopped fighting with it, at some point. He stopped fighting with his heart, stuttering stupidly everytime he saw Yuzuru. He stopped fighting with the yearning of his hands to touch him, he stopped pretending.

He started hoping, instead, against himself.

Because there was something in Yuzuru’s eyes that made him believe it wasn’t only him.

Then it was Boston, and it was too much, the pain, standing on the edge of withdrawing, and then fighting for the title with the only man he could agree on losing to.

Somehow he knew that it was the right moment, when they stood in a hotel hallway, alone for the first time that day. He pulled Yuzuru into a hug, the gesture so familar by now it felt as natural as breathing.

They looked at each other, their faces only inches away, and he could see in Yuzuru’s eyes the same longing he was feeling, and knew that the other man understood.

_Choose me, please. Please._

‘Goodnight, Javi.’ Yuzuru said quietly before he left, and Javi was just standing there, frozen.

‘It’s okay.’ he whispered to the silence surrounding him, his voice fading away in a long corridor.

 _It’s okay_ he thought as he sat on his bed, the room around him dark and safe _I know how to live with a broken heart._

Things didn’t really change after that. They would still smile and embrace, their laughs mixing in a cold air of the rink. Yuzuru seemed to be more distant than before, but Javier accepted that. He had never believed he could have more, anyway.

Now he knew that he never had a chance, not with him, not in this world. Because in this world, Yuzuru would have to choose, and Javier knew him well enough to predict the answer.

_It’s okay, it’s okay. As long as he’s fine._

It hurt only a little.

_I never stood a chance._

* * *

 

Pyeongchang was a relief.

The music stopped playing and Javier knew that it was it, that he was done, that he could go home. It was all he wanted in that moment, to just rest, let his exhausted body lay down, give his heart time to be whole again.

Yuzuru’s arms trembled when he told him it was his last time on the olympic rink, and his heart had never felt so heavy.

He came to Javi’s room later that night, his face pale and eyes shining.

‘Are you leaving?’

‘I’ll be back for the gala.’

‘Not what I mean.’

There was an edge in Yuzuru’s voice, as if he was about to scream.

‘I don’t know.’

There was so much space between them, it felt like an ocean already.

_It was always there._

It suddenly hit him. It was over. The untold story, unspoken words, feelings never expressed- it was the end.

His fingers trembled as he gave in, for the first and the last time.

‘Come here.’

Yuzuru’s skin was warm and soft, his lips gentle against Javier’s, and he wanted so, so much more. But it was a goodbye, and it was all he could have, all they could have.

 _I wish you chose me_ he thought, his forehead resting against Yuzuru’s _I hope you’ll never know how much it hurts._

He wanted to tell him so many things, but he knew that he didn’t have a right to do that. He never had.

‘Take care.’ he whispered, words raw and painful in his throat.

‘Take care.’

_It’s gonna be okay. Someday._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As you see it's a second part of a series; I'm thinking about writing more, possibly less angsty :D  
> As always, thank you so much for reading and I can't wait for your opinions!


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